This is Me.
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this is soo me... sigh...
always wondering what it'd be like to be alone.
always afraid of being alone.
i'm empty inside.
am i real?
on the computer desk, i found this in my brother's handwriting;
"get there fast
the last ride
get there quickly
get there very fast indeed
get there amazingly fast
certain death
airship"
it related to someone like me; always doing everything in a hurry, wanting to get everything over with, to finally go to sleep and never have to suffer from morning sickness everday, never having to open my eyes and groan. hence, i thought that the similar aesthetic intellect ran in the family, or Zureiz was going to become a race-car driver or someone who designs those "speed thrills but kills" walay traffic police boards.
later i found out they're codes to a computer game.
oh well...
"get there fast
the last ride
get there quickly
get there very fast indeed
get there amazingly fast
certain death
airship"
it related to someone like me; always doing everything in a hurry, wanting to get everything over with, to finally go to sleep and never have to suffer from morning sickness everday, never having to open my eyes and groan. hence, i thought that the similar aesthetic intellect ran in the family, or Zureiz was going to become a race-car driver or someone who designs those "speed thrills but kills" walay traffic police boards.
later i found out they're codes to a computer game.
oh well...
[Dysfunction Timestamp]
Shemrez had writer's block at 1:03 AM
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Thursday, January 27, 2005
Never...
This song helped me get over a lot of people. :Sand please, enough of the symbolism now.
you people kinda read too much between the lines. :P
its a dancey song, and as always, i can relate to it. its not about never wanting to be friends, because i've never given up on anyone till date.
I can't be with you again
don't remind me of
the good times that we had
learn a lot from us instead
i never want these feelings
to ever come again
no, no
you'll never hear me crying
you'll never see me trying
to love you once again
your love is so past tense
please don't tell me
that you've changed
don't wanna hear on how
you've lost your evil ways
one has change this time is near
and i won't go back
to feeling helpless and deceived
oh, no
you'll never hear me crying
you'll never see me trying
to love you once again
your love is so past tense
you'll never hear me crying
you'll never see me trying
to love you once again
your love is so past tense
your love...
your love...
to think you have me
fooled every now and then
you had me believin'
that i was the reason
that you left
but i won't fall back
in love with you again
i don't even wanna be
(i don't even wanna be)
your friend
no, no, no
you'll never hear me crying
you'll never see me trying
to love you once again
your love is so past tense
you'll never hear me crying
you'll never see me trying
to love you once again
your love is so past tense
(you'll never hear me crying)
so past tense
(you'll never see me trying)
your love...
so past tense
© Roc Project ft. Tina Arena - Never
[Dysfunction Timestamp]
Shemrez had writer's block at 3:59 AM
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Taboo
TabooPrologue ::
Within the walled city of Lahore lies a small street, dim with the dust of years and blackened with the sultry remarks of the populace. The ancient buildings still withstand the test of time and all that it may encounter. Once, this street was luxurious and lavish, and music and laughter could be heard behind veiled windows. Sometimes a jewelled hand or the outline of a woman`s eye was visible. This was the street of enticement and excitement, of entertainment and pleasure. The home of the cultured courtesans of Lahore, at this street, dreams were made and fame and fortune ready to be earned by those willing to lay everything on the line for it. But it was not very hard to attain that; for women who ended up in this world of perfume yet pain had nothing left to lose. In this world of music and dim lights, visitors were amused and entertained by timeless movement and the grace of dancers, swirling like the wind in connivance with the soft music. An eternal blend of beauty.
This play describes a woman`s entry into this disgraced yet exciting world. Set in the backdrop of the early nineteenth century, all resemblance to any person dead or alive is purely fictitious and unintentional.
Characters ::
Erum
Rani Gulshan
Abidah
Bilawal Khan
Hakim Saiin
Aamir
Sakhi
Iskander
Fade in : Erum`s eyes get heavy. The world around her is just a blur; nothing is prominent, nothing is properly visible. The world around her is moving fast; the skies... the birds... the walls... everything is false. Everything is just a lie. Truth is about to unveil itself. A start will follow this end. A new beginning. Erum gets drowsy and falls unconscious.
Act One Scene One
Bilawal Khan carries a girl on his shoulder into Rani Gulshan`s house. Gulshan is sipping tea with her servant Abidah intently waiting her mistress`s next command. Bilawal Khan delicately lays the unconscious girl down on the rug in front of Gulshan.
Gulshan : Who is this, Bilawal Khan?
Bilawal Khan [stroking his moustaches in pride] : Bibi jee this girl was lying outside the door. I believe she collapsed because of weakness and the cold. Very strange weather we are having here, heina memsaab ?
Gulshan : Neither are you a doctor nor are you a weather forecaster, Bilawal Khan. Go and get the Hakim sahib immediately. Abidah, revive this girl.
Abidah efficiently complies, dragging the cold body of the girl in front of the fireplace with Bilawal Khan, who leaves for the Hakim as soon as the first task is accomplished.
Abidah [gently stroking the unconscious girl`s hair, her eyes fixed on the girl`s blank face] : What do you expect this girl has gone through, bibi jee ?
Gulshan : Life is full of surprises, dear Abidah. She must have run into one of them. Wait.. look.. she is moving.
Abidah regains her composure and quickly stands up when she realises the girl is coming back to life. A short while later Abidah is helping the girl to sit up straight. Gulshan
breaks the silence by striking a conversation with the girl, unaware of the fact that her tea has gone cold due to recent events unfolding...
Gulshan : Who are you, young girl? What has brought you to our doorstep in such an abnormal fashion?
Erum : I.. I am... My name is.. Erum...
Erum clutches her sides tightly and shifts closer to the fireplace, trying to feel its warmth. Her gaze returns to Gulshan`s majestic pose
Gulshan : Erum, huh? Beautiful name. Your parents named you after the favourite flower of the Persian Gods. Yet they leave you wiltering away like a worthless weed in our town? I would like to hear an explanation very gladly...
Erum : They... they didnt leave me here... My.. my husband
Gulshan [cutting Erum short] : Ahh your husband! so you have a male companion as well... what happened? Did you exhaust yourself while searching for him here?
Erum : No... he is too poor to afford the luxuries this haven offers...
Erum shies away, rubbing her arms vigourously. Gulshan is now intently paying attention to Erum`s face. Wrought with distress and weakness, imminent beauty is still vibrant, she thinks. Abidah is as stationary as a faithful slave, yet she is not missing any part of this conversation
Abidah : More tea, memsaab? your tea has gone cold....
Gulshan : Yes yes Abidah my darling. Your tea is wonderful, please make me some more. A dash of ginger and your tea is fit for kings. And fix up some for Erum as well. You should try this; like all things in my profession this is a learned art as well, and my Abidah has mastered it. Anyway, you were saying.. ?
Erum : Uhh... yes... my.. husband.. he, he brought me here to... to sell me..
The humility is too much for Erum to bear. Rani Gulshan stands up, revealing signs of lost beauty. A figure like a goddess and the beauty of an angel, the irony of life is that you lose things, sometimes some of which are too precious to be lost. Still, the courtesan has the nimbleness and elegance of an empress. She goes to sit down next to Erum. A good soul is that which does not forget simplicity and humility in front of worldly elevation.
Gulshan [gently patting Erum] : This happens a lot, darling. Men can never be trusted. God created man for our protection but sadly he has not lived up to his promises. Why didn`t you return to your parents, jaan ?
Erum [compassionately sniffing] : I.. I couldnt... They married me off against my will. I wanted to complete my studies and become a doctor, but they said that i have to get married. I was the eldest of four siblings, and my dad said that he would rather spend money for my youngest brother`s studies than for mine. He had three other daughters to marry as well, he said. I complied with my parents wishes, sacrificing my own... He didnt realise after my elder sister slit her wrists because of the same behaviour my father meted out to her. She was married against her will, did not bring her husband good dowry, was beaten black and blue, denied entry back to her own home by her father, and she took her own life. The irony remains that i was married to my dead sister`s husband...
Gulshan : Tch tch... i`m sorry... parents... too conservative, too ignorant of their kin`s passions and desires. It is sad how they live through their children, not realising that their childrens` dreams are more valuable than their own...
Erum : I soon realised what my sister had gone through. My husband regularly beat me black and blue, and he begged other people for money to fulfill his craving for alcohol. Many times he put my honour on the line for his addiction, and when i refused to comply, i got beaten again...
Gulshan : Hahaha... man is bound to be addicted to all that is harmful for him. Oh, the extent to which one would go to fulfill wordly desires. Sad, bachay... very sad... sorry, please go on...
Erum : He threatened me that he would sell me here, and finally his mind forced him to execute this threat. I wanted to run back to my parents, but they would not accept me, just like they abandoned me before. I went to them once before when my husband kicked me out of the house. My father refused to let me in, saying that i was my husband`s honour and i should beg him for forgiveness and plead for his mercy. I have my honour [Erum readjusts her tattered shawl] and i would not ask for forgiveness for something i have not done. He brought me here and i escaped with every ounce of energy i had left. Its not easy running on a broken ankle, you know. Then finally i could hear the Fajar prayers, and i believe i fainted... That is my story...
Erum lets our a heavy, dejected sigh. Gulshan wraps one arm around her and gestures to Abidah to bring Erum a blanket for warmth.
Gulshan : Kheir, what is done is done. Dont you worry, jaan. You dont have to be afraid from anyone while you are here. I am Rani Gulshan, and this is Abidah [pointing towards the obedient servant]. We are your family from now. I know a courtesan does not have a place in society but at least a courtesan does not fall prey to violence and abuse. By God, on my dead body will any man harm you now. I will have my men beat your husband up if he ever looks at you again. You will stay with us from now...
Erum : But what will i do ? I am a Rajput, and i refuse to do petty house chores. I shall not clean anyone`s house !
Gulshan : Ahh... torn.. broken... physically tortured... but a woman never loses her pride, dignity and honour. Shabash betay. You have proven yourself to be worthy of the label "woman". You are not hired to clean my house. We shall all pitch in for that.
Erum : Then what shall i do.. ?
The silence becomes as uncomfortable as it grows. Gulshan tries to explain to Erum her new job without having to use words; it would be difficult for her both ways, but she would prefer not to have to say it out loud. Erum`s eyes widen with shock as reality dawns on her...
Erum : NO! I will not sleep with any random man for money! I have suffered enough torture and i will find something honourable to do. This is God`s earth and...
Gulshan : *clicks her tongue* Naaa beta... sexual relationships outside marraige are illegal in Islam, and certainly i will not support such activities. We are courtesans, not prostitutes. We work for the gentle pleasure and merriment of men, while at the same time ridiculing their presence and showing them what they are without them realising; worthless, insecure shells... wastes of skin...
Erum : So that means...
Gulshan : We are traditional dancers. We dance as we please. We please ourselves as we please others. Music is a wonderful addition to life; only few tend to realise it. We make it a part of our lives. Without music, life is dull.. colourless.. without music... life is just not worth living....
Erum : But... but i do not know how to dance... and dancers are also known for their immoral activities....
Gulshan : I reiterate; we are dancers, not prostitutes. We have the right to sleep with anyone for our own pleasure, regardless of payment. Sometimes some of the girls dont even charge for their dances; sort of like paying back their men for a good night in bed. So technically you can see who is the prostitute then. Nevertheless, you will not dance. I have a special job for you. You are literate and your services will be useful for me and my organization. Abidah, show Erum to her quarters.
Erum follows Abidah to her new living quarters, and Rani Gulshan sees off another woman to a new beginning in her life. She returns to her tea. Her soft enjoyable silence is interrupted by loud, masucline laughter. Three men step into the house, and Rani Gulshan`s glare is successful in silencing yet another group of rowdy men. The men find their way to their quarters of pleasure, and Gulshan Rani goes back to enjoying her tea in silence. Soft music starts playing in the background, a perfect blend of the harmonium and sitar. Slowly the tabla comes to life, and we leave Gulshan Rani in the embrace of wonderfully vigorous yet internally soothing music...
Act One Scene Two
Bilawal Khan steps into the house with Hakim Saiin, an old man in his late sixties. Abidah is rubbing oil on Erum`s legs and gently massaging them. Gulshan Rani arrives into the room...
Hakim Saiin : Bibijee.. you requested for my services again ?
Gulshan : Yes Hakim Saiin. I want you do check this girl`s physical condition. And Bilawal Khan, if anyone comes to our door asking for Erum, you tell me. You do not answer, you do not reply, you come in and tell me. Understood ?
Bilawal Khan : Yes Memsaab!
Gulshan : Good. Now go.
Gulshan passes Bilawal Khan a cold tart smile. Bilawal Khan turns on his heels and resumes his duty guarding the house. Meanwhile Hakim Saiin has proceeded to check Erum under Abidah`s strict surveillance. Abidah was young, but too smart to be fooled; she would not let a seemingly pious old man "enjoy" his job unjustly.
Hakim Saiin : This lady is in good health. A few days` rest in bed and she will return to full health. Although i request you not to let her walk much for one week. I will come again tomorrow to wrap a bandage around her wounded ankle. Nothing to worry about, it will all heal naturally.
Gulshan : Very good Hakim Saiin. Fancy a cup of tea before you go ?
Hakim Saiin : Thankyou very much, Gulshan Rani Sahiba, but i beg leave.
Gulshan : How much do we owe you ?
Hakim Saiin : Why are you intent on embarassing a faithful servant of the people, memsaab? These are my children as much as they are yours. I will not ask for monetary compensation to return my children to health. We shall meet again tomorrow, God Willing.
Gulshan : God Willing. Go with the Blessings of God.
Hakim Saiin leaves the house, and Abidah goes to the store to replace the oil. Erum shuffles closer to Gulshan Rani
Erum : So what is Abidah`s story? I mean, she is too young to end up here.... was she..
Gulshan : Hah hah hahh... My dear Erum, you surely have an imagination for one with your educational background. Do you really think that people who indulge in immoral activities leave here signs of their sins? Abidah was born to her parents inside marraige. She was the only daughter, and her parents died while she was an infant. She fell in the custody of her uncle, who was a drug addict. He used to beat Abidah and force her to beg for money for him. She used to go on without food for weeks on end. Finally, i ended her misery and bought her from her uncle for a thousand rupees.
Erum : So she also...
Gulshan : No my darling, she is too young. If she performs right now chances are that her young and raw beauty might drive the customers wild; i am not going to let anyone take advantage of such a delicate being at such a young age. She is astute I agree, but i have decided otherwise nonetheless...
Erum : So it seems you dont really think of them as employees, do you?
Gulshan : Certainly not. We are all sisters who have gone through the same torment in our lives. I just reach out and grab them as i can, with the intention of freeing them from their miseries. I can feel their pain and i dont think anyone should necessarily go through that no matter what.
Erum : Sounds like you didnt have a happy childhood as well...
Gulshan : My past is the same, generally speaking. Betrayal, Physical Torment, a bright light at one end of the tunnel, weighing my options, not left with a choice, and there you have it; Gulshan Rani.
Erum watches indulgingly as Gulshan Rani puffs up with pride. Enormously successful in captivating her audience, Gulshan Rani starts narrating her history to Erum while puffing her hukka...
Gulshan : I was born to a poor family in a village near Sheikhupura. I used to be a pretty girl, just like Abidah. Sometimes she reminds me of a younger me; the same complexion, though a bit less bustier around the chest i must agree [Gulshan chuckles, and notices that Erum has started blushing while secretly checking her own bosom]. Anyway, the Thakur of our village asked me to come to work for him in his house. He offered me a very healthy pay for cleaning his house. I agreed. When i went, he raped me.
Erum [wide eyed with horror and rage] : Then what ?! He paid you ?
Gulshan : Not at all. He had me forced to return to my 'job' as his maidservant. He even let one of his friends from the city rape me. But his friend was kind hearted. He brought me a gift after every trip he made to the city. I started enjoying spending time with him, and he wasn`t as sexually rude and not as half as bad. [Gulshan quickly changes the subject as she discovers Erum blushing in shame]. Then i became pregnant. The Thakur said that his friend wanted to marry me and take me to the city, but i obviously did not believe him. I still went because i had to recover my family honour. My father would not tolerate his daughter giving birth outside marraige. But he took me to a hakim and ended my pregnancy. Reality dawned on me. He said he bought me from the Thakur for fifty rupees and if i wanted to return to the village i would have to give him fifty rupees, which i obviously did not have. So he made me have sex with men here until he got his money back. Then i was free to follow my own will, but scared to face my family and the other villagers. Then i stayed on till i grew old. I had many clients and it wasnt long before i had my own establishment. As for my "husband", he became merely one of my clients, and died right here [Gulshan points to a cushion on the floor. It was velvet covered, and distinctly crimson red. Behind it were burning aroma sticks and a wet rose, which gave the impression of blood gently pouring out of it]. Some say i poisoned him [Gulshan chuckles, then suddenly falls silent, staring into the void].
Erum : I`m sorry..
Gulshan : You don`t need to be. Now you have a new life. I will treat you like a daughter and the girls here will cherish you because we all know and have felt what you have been through. Women like us have to choose between the lesser of the two evils, Erum. Welcome to your new home.
Act One Scene Three
In the background of tinkling anklets, feminine laughter and soft music, three men sit guzzling hot kebabs near Rani Gulshan`s house of pleasure. The classical music gains strength as the walled city of Lahore is coming to life again...
Iskander : Have you seen Gulshan Rani`s new girl ?
Aamir : Is that so ? I have been meaning to visit her for quite some time now. I hear her new beauties cost quite some gold.
Iskander : No you moron! She doesn't dance. She`s her assistant or something. But she is as beautiful as misty fields of flowers at dawn.
Sakhi : If you ask me i dont know why girls opt for this way of life. I mean, there are plenty of other ways to earn money, so there is no reason to take the sinful route. Why can`t they stay home and be good wives to their husbands and good mothers to their children. It is obviously far better than blemishing the names of their families!
Iskander : Its because these women have loose character; they enjoy the company of countless men who appreciate them. One man cannot possibly please them...
Aamir : And that`s exactly why they`re called strumpets, my friend...
The men start to laugh, but the music from Gulshan Rani`s house drowns their laughter. The music grows louder and louder, and the curtains fall.
Fade Out.
Inspiration and Acknowledgements ::
Sound Of Music by Ali Aziz Sethi
Moth Smoke by Mohsin Hamid
- Shemrez Nauman Afzal -- October 30, 2003
[Dysfunction Timestamp]
Shemrez had writer's block at 3:03 AM
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Positive - Roz-e-Azal
Jee Rahay HeinAkeley Hee
Just'ju Mein Un Ki
Jee Raha Hoon
Arzuo'n Mein
Joh Aaj Hain
Kal Nahi
Jee Rahay Hein
Akeley Hee
Just'ju Mein Un Ki
Jee Raha Hoon
Arzuo'n Mein
Joh Aaj Hain
Kal Nahi
Juda Ho Ker
Poochtay Hein
Ke Hoti Hai Kiya
Judai
Likha Huwa Hai
Roz-e-Azal Se
Ke Mein
Kissi Ka Nahi
Ai Khuda Suraj Gira Day
'Gar Milay Nahi
Ai Khuda Mujhay Jalaa Day
'Gar Milay Nahi
Ai Khuda Suraj Gira Day
'Gar Milay Nahi
Ai Khuda Mujhay Jalaa Day
Agar Milay Nahi...
Mein Hoon Kiya
Aur Kiya
Hai Jahaan
Kiya Hai
Bani
Merey Gham
Ki Wajah
Ik Rooh Hoon Mein
Jisay Kuch Na Milaa
Ai Khuda Suraj Gira Day
'Gar Milay Nahi
Ai Khuda Mujhay Jalaa Day
'Gar Milay Nahi
Ai Khuda Suraj Gira Day
Agar Milay Nahi
Ai Khuda Mujhay Jalaa Day
Agar... Milay Nahi...
Milay Nahi... Nahi... Nahi...
©Positive The Band - Roz-e-Azal lyrics
[Dysfunction Timestamp]
Shemrez had writer's block at 2:59 AM
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Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Baseless Charges
Its a travesty nobody knows what it feels like to be unwanted; the constant paranoia within that unholy haze that makes me feel unwanted.and to be alone.
and to learn that life is nothing but disappointments.
a gyrate of tears and muck and blood and time.
and to know that you're a disappointment yourself.
you can't righteously blame anyone for it now can you?
it is the solitude and broken shards for me right now. cheers for thriving on self-pity.
beneath all this, beneath the fake smiles, beneath the fallacy of free will and the illusion of hope, underneath the questions of religious irreverance, just left to the turn that takes you to my broken faith still withering, you find all my fears. in a box, welded shut, with a lock that softens in the winter.
and a key shaped like a cloud of smoke; a mere wineglass...
-
And here is something i would like to dedicate to my parents. i can relate to it so perfectly, like each word having its own indistinguishable definition, and a story and history of its own, and in its magnified blend, a conundrum of engimas if you will;
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I've becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I've becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I've becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Is everything what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Is everything what you want me to be
©Linkin Park - Numb (lyrics)
-
so much more than i could say, so much more that i could write,
this demotivation has got me by my throat,
the people chuckle and jeer, they play their parts.
it has been ordained since the day of origin that i am no-one's.
and that i am no-one.
make the sun fall now. burn me.
[Dysfunction Timestamp]
Shemrez had writer's block at 2:33 AM
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Sunday, January 23, 2005
Secrets Of The Heart
We build palaces for youAnd you build graves for us;
And between the beauty of the palace
And the obscurity of the grave,
Humanity walks as a sentry with iron weapons.
We spread your path with roses
And you cover our beds with thorns;
And between the roses and the thorns,
Truth slumbers fitfully.
We are the sons of Sorrow
And sorrow is a rich cloud
Showering the multitudes with Knowledge and Truth.
You are the sons of Joy,
And as high as your joy may reach,
By the Law of God it must be destroyed
Before the winds of heaven, and dispersed
Into nothingness.
For it is naught
But a thin and wavering pillar of smoke.
~Kahlil Gibran
[Dysfunction Timestamp]
Shemrez had writer's block at 3:20 PM
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