Just Like This..

I think I've already lost you
I think you're already gone
I think I'm finally scared now
You think I'm weak - but I think you're wrong
I think you're already leaving
Feels like your hand is on the door
I thought this place was an empire
But now I'm relaxed - I can't be sure

I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - I think too much
I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing

If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
Cuz there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you

I bet you're hard to get over
I bet the room just won't shine
I bet my hands I can stay here
I bet you need - more than you mind

I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - that I know too much
I can't relate and that's a problem I'm feeling

If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
Cuz there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you

I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - do I talk too much
I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing

If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
Cuz there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you

***

Tobin and his q

i hate being alone.
i live through your worst fear every day..


its strange how what some people sometimes say comes back to you in such a dramatic fashion. and when you have to study for a midterm that you just realized you barely know nothing about. sometimes, you just don't have much to say.
its the silence that says more than y ou do..


you, i miss you.
and i hate what i am.

i need to let you fix me..


i hate it when people who call themselves my friends use me and take me for granted..
i live through your worst fears every single day. :)

[Dysfunction Timestamp]
Shemrez had writer's block at 12:13 AM
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Tuesday, December 27, 2005

a missing page from Moth Smoke

Lost in trying to put the pieces back together, Daru zones out during the lecture, only to drowsily zone back in again. Turning on, tuning in, and dropping out. Turning on, tuning in, and dropping out. Its about Islam. Its about religion. Show some respect. You shouldn't squander your parents' money like so. Ozi can afford to, he's got a rich dad. He can afford to buy all those fancy gifts for Mumtaz, treat her to all the happening restaurants. You're just wasting yourself away, frying your brain, ignoring opportunity as it stares you in the face.

Sometimes you regret not doing what Murad did, don't you?
Doth ye not, oh ye of altered perceptions?

He was right there, on his motorbike, outside your house before he started it all. You could've been right there, at his side, playing in the millions. Knowing you, an important man, destined to the powers-that-be. Someone who could call the shots. Someone who with power and money..

Like Ozi?
No, fool.
Like his father..

What do you do when you get back? Turn on, tune in, and drop out.
Is that why you're really here? Is that your reason?
Haven't there been enough close-callswhen're you going to start taking things seriouslyithought you were sick and tired of how things were always almost uncertain.

wait...

did the voices just overlap?
theyve started gettinglouder.

paranoia

Never see it walking in, can you? A lot of people are talking, but you can't make sense of anything they say. You know its kicking in. You tune in a smile on your face, your sickly eyes closing a little bit more, but a little bit less. The world is red, my friend. Whitelights and yellowlights, piercing shines and mellow shines. You're hooked on this. You'll give up everything for this one day...

What if i had taken the chance? Daru contemplates and procrastinates about an alternate modus operandi. Had he accepted Murad's offer, he would have been Badshah. Not Murad. Murad's not smart enough to end up anything more than a rickshaw driver. It could have been you..

It was the cold winter season. Lahore's weather could never be so unpleasant, but the mist was bordering on the thin precipice between beauty and bitter. Everyone had come home from abroad for the holiday season. Raider was back, and his party for new years' would be under preparation. All they have to worry about is having a good time.

When do you ever worry about that, Daru?
Ever? While sitting in the garden, watching the green grass, the blue roses and the haze?
Did you ever feel angry about throwing it all away?
Did you ever get angry about seeing the pieces fit...?

He takes the cigarette out from the pack, the action harmless. One may be concerned with how he's holding the cigarette; not the right way to initiate the smoking process. Probably trying to light it a different way, he proceeds to caress the paper encasing the tobacco with a lucid, soft flame. A while later, he licks the cigarette, and proceeds to peel off one side of the paper with quintessential skill. He empties the tobacco - still in a single file, just as if it were untouched and intact inside the cigarette. The paper is torn off the filter, which is put aside. Probably for further use, probably not. Daru, scrutinizing the tobacco with one hand, entails the use of a deformed paper clip to burn the hash, which he later inserts into the tobacco and mixes vigorously. Somewhere in the background, the a'zaan sounds.

Inbetween all of which, Daru turns on.
He tunes in.
And then, he drops out.

He covers a cylindrical portion of the cigarette filter with smoking paper, and fills it with the ingredients cooked earlier. Once the mixture has been fully inserted, Daru rolls a full circle round the paper, and licks the glued end of the smoking paper to ensure a tight fix. Tapping it on his nail once or twice, pressing its structure while sliding up his fingers, it was ready.

Pass the lighter, the actor yells from on stage. A diligent audience member rises to the ocassion. The muse of his addiction firmly in his hands, the music of his Gnostic contemplation now echoing the corridors of infamy. Once again, Daru will turn on.
He will tune in.
And drop out..

All Rights Reserved - Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.

[Dysfunction Timestamp]
Shemrez had writer's block at 5:27 AM
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Wednesday, November 30, 2005

mehboob and sanam ;p

they say i look hot. i don't know what they're talking about.
maybe its because they see me with someone.

i hate pretentious people, and i really don't have anything against jews :p

anywho, lets get started. in order to comment on some views expressed on my last post, i wrote the following.
it is also visible at the comment box of the november 28th post.
'welcome, esbeerox and psnob. and more than welcome, stupidgirl.
i don't mean to pick up where you left off, but i think the whole crux of your argument was adequately laid to rest with the name you chose to represent you.
however, since you failed to read the post dated november 26th very intelligently :p i said criticism is most welcome.
so anyway, i do make little sense. i'm not supposed to be understood. i just express, i dont expect you to understand anything. the reason why writing is a release is because it brings you out without any insecurities. and if they pat me on the back for it, well, take it to them.
reason and sanity do not exist, and if it does, show it to me. we live in a world where reason and sanity is tantamount to hypocrisy in everyday life. and i don't think 'togather' is an 'in' word. i'm not a conformist, let me assure you. your amusing analogies, however, show me that you, infact, are.
thankyou for wasting your time. in the future, if you choose to do so, try being a bit bold to let me know where i can actually discuss myself rather than have you pass mindless inadequate judgements on me like a senseless conformist. no, wait, that's me, right? consider yourself a victim of your own hate; you are what you accuse me of being.
and thankyou for letting me know where i go abnormally disjoint. i realized certain ideas were abstructing my normal flow, and now i'll fix it. just to let you know, don't take anything personally. all in the better interest of communication that fosters logic, nothing else.'

somehow some people have been making very questionable decisions lately.

yesterday, i stood on top of the world. its not the standard euphemism; i wasn't that happy. i had just seen something i hadn't for five or six years. something i didn't want to. repressed omens. but confiding helped.
the world was a little sphericalconcrete ball near the academic block steps. i thought i wouldn't be able to balance, but my peshawari chappals held their ground. the pdc was in ruins. but i somehow found some balance in myself.
someone asked if i'd done this before. i couldn't hear him.
he repeated three times. when i understood, i said no.
he told me i'd fall. i said no way.
he said i would if he pushed me. i just smiled and smoked my cigarette.
confiding helped.
because you realise that once you don't care whether you cry or laugh or dance or scream in front of someone, you don't worry about becoming vulnerable to that person.
dependance is a different thing.
but realizing that you've focused on someone so well that even if he or she hurts you and you don't feel it, then you can never worry about being hurt. have i been hurt a lot? no. i just realize people mean so much to me that even though something they do to me would hurt me, it doesn't. maybe i really am devoid of feeling, but i am unable to regret anything or hold anyone responsible for anything anymore.
maybe thats why i chose to be invulnerable to emotion in the first place. maybe thats how i lost all feeling.

you really are my ecstasy
you really are my fantasy..

realise? realize? :/

can you hear the dolphin's cry?
see the road rise up to meet us

thats how i did.

it's in the air we breathe tonight

you can't see it, but sometimes, there is a lot of indignancy in the nature of some activities. the sacred is sacrilege, and if you can't change the world (which you can't :p) change yourself. know that you're right if you were, and if you weren't, then know what's right.
knowing it is all you need. probably a conscience too.
and have you ever gotten those visions like the ones in films where somebody's typing something and they don't show you the keyboard, they show you what he or she is typing? with the errors, the backspacing, all that?

nikki is adorable. i don't know what i'd do without her, and i seriously missed her. she IS someone who's far beyond her years, and for all its worth, i wish i could give her the years she's lived but hasn't. i was talking to someone about not being close to my family. well, i think i've come up with my own family. some people mean a lot to me. some people just. dont.
cheekoo was quite malicious. i mean, if you order me to tell you how you feel, you'd get a righteous backlash. the moment you start judging anyone without knowing the whole deal is the moment you succumb to incomparable stupidity. people who pass judgement are, well, people. and people will be people.
and you say god will call you to the day of judgement, where he will tell you whether you were right or wrong. so do you know better? i sound like a quran translation, but don't you see that the judgemental people are wrong to begin with? i mean, they're 'judge-mental' :p why consider their opinions? everyone has them. everyone breathes. i get no less air than the next..person.
i've come to terms with the fact that people will pass their judgements no matter who they are, or what they mean to you, or you to them. but there are some gems who know what you think, who can feel your conscience through your heartbeat and trust you with the most sacred of associations.
and i've also realized that i wasn't going to write about this, but since i forgot what i was going to write about, read this and deal with it ;D

and its amazing how human beings are so unique, but equally, all too similar. the characteristics, the emotions, the reactions, its all too complicated. its all too simple.

i have a distinct taste in my mouth, an ethereal scent on a tissue, and my fingers intoxicate me somehow.

what have you done to me
i'll never be the same, i'll tell you for sure
i'll never be the same, i'll tell you for sure
i'll never be the same, i'll tell you for sure
you really are my ecstasy
my real-life fantasy..

do you know how you have to cry at some place to feel at ease with it? to feel like its yours now?

i've got the piano and violin sequence from 'requiem for a dream' playing in my head now...

[Dysfunction Timestamp]
Shemrez had writer's block at 4:40 AM
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Monday, November 28, 2005

The day I got a Flickr badge

i smoke a lot. and thats not from the K's Choice song.
its so cold, i can barely type. but its a pleasure to be able to type with both hands :p


once upon a time, a man circled the infinity bicycling round and round on the gardens of Princeton. and a girl too young for those sombre corridors walked down their steps. and two men who never aged, just like the little girl, prowled this humble mind. just like the little girl walking down those steps. it is that where the most intelligent of minds coloured the library windows with his ink of logic, and his insanity. it is there where the most beautiful mind of all solved the equations to your problems, at his behest, and in his pursuit, eventually his own.


my msn list is a funny place to be. i just heard two sign-ins while i was talking to ameera, and i forgot to check who it was. that happens when your computer suddenly decides to be slow and you've already got something like thirty people online :p

asadkazi has lyrics from 'all along the watchtower' on his nick. somebody ought to tell him he's got them wrong. i didn't; instead, i put the dave matthews' live version on. because its been a while since i've been a rockstar :p and that version makes me want to learn guitaring again. but that is a time-consuming process, and i've got to wash the dishes, so bleh.

fahdbilla has a somewhat 'racist' nick. i think it'd be fun imagining him a skinhead. having said that, i don't think he's capable of such an ideological development. how-so-ever, behind every belief is a large following of people who don't know what it is that they're doing. people are stupid, people are sheep.

and i can hear whiteboy singing. hahaha! whiteboy's probably in love. but then again, who isn't. ;D


spring is coming, its coming soon
but i have a head-start
the kettle is done, the kettle is done
my love is vengeance
that's never free


most of you don't know, but those of you who do know know that i'm being indirected a lot lately. that too, and multiply. and i hope i don't make sense. but here's something that's going to be something of a complete rip-off, an original copymiaow.

"i may not have to go back".
and the blank gaze overwhelmed with stunning, stupefying emotion. it's been a rollercoaster, and though there may have to be, there are absolutely no regrets. yeah, that surprises me too. doesn't bother, doesn't worry me. because there never HAS to be regrets. (and thats not correct english). the neethers and the naaithers, the eethers and the aaithers. the 'diversity of culture', so to say.

she's got a thing to her that most girls don't. but then again, most girls are ordinary.
none of them know any of its worth.

"and it got me thinking, that you probably think this is just that..."
but you and i, we've been through all that, yes we have
oh, and this is not our fate
so let us not talk, falsely now; the hour is getting late.
"...but its not. its not just that. its a lot more.."

its little things like these that make you feel wonderful. little things that show you have something meaningful. shared and meaningful with a shared meaning.(ful :p)

lovesong, i think thats what's written on this small brainstormingpaper. bleh.

and btw, you, i'm a cat. i think i've probably lived a couple of lives already ;D

and no-one knows how to say that they're sorry
and don't worry
i'm not telling lies




sometimes, people think everything is an illusion. you also think its an illusion when you wake up from one. i always wake up from a madman's dream. into a schizophrenic's.

i think i've been blogging a bit too regularly for my taste. but it isn't that sour :p almost everyone's gone home for the quarter break, and most of the time i have nothing to do. sometimes, i can't read what i've written a few hours ago. maybe the paper's too small. or maybe i don't remember.

get stoned quicker
get stoned quicker
i,i,i,i,i,i,i,i,i,i,i,i,i,i
get stoned quicker

the Nusrat song that my st0n3 playlist begins with is a song for all moods and seasons, though i've set it aside for a very specific intro sequence. SHABI's chinese hacker virus is getting on my nerves. and i'm glad i remembered my imood password :p

another song that makes me want to learn the guitar is Kain's Kaid, but i better do the dishes and then get back to my movie :p



outside in the cold distance
a wild cat did growl
two men were approaching
the wind began to howl...

[Dysfunction Timestamp]
Shemrez had writer's block at 2:04 AM
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Saturday, November 26, 2005

Towelhead and Bloggerfraandships

- i just wrote this entire post and it got deleted. imagine my rage right now. i'm writing it all over again. -


and when the corner of the bedpost hits your forehead hard; its because you've been procrastinating on apc too much. and you probably don't know how hard it is to type with one hand. unless, ofcourse, you're the esbee with the name on the ~cs101a05 website.

so the wound healed, leaving behind a tiny congealed remnant. a scar, if you will. would've been much more messy if it were handled carelessly. and its okay that i looked like a mullah/teenage-mutant-ninja-turtle for a while. i'm losing my grip on the 780english (the irony of it is; i'm such a pretentious pompous proud loafer that most of you would probably know what i'm talking about since i've been boasting about it more than i ought to. and while i'm on that note, ishtar, i got your sms. and i miss you too.) i have also been scraping off scaps and congealed bloodwounds off my back. and i don't mind, no sir, not at all ;D

(wow, how subtle i am. :P)

i have two finals in five hours (now they're a mere four and a half hours away), and i think i've got everything under control. well, that means i'm just glad i know which one's before the other :P and its microecon and calc, both on the same day, so its the guillotine unless i get back to studying. and the length of this post will probably convince you that today would inherently be my day at the Fort of Bastille. :P

anyway, i've lately been 'associated' to cadomr. they even call me his jr. :P the nerve of some people. but i don't mind, as long as they don't incorporate ideologically hypocritical affiliations (wow i'm good at remembering what i wrote. short term memory still intact!) with it. i'd never even dream of ending up like marasisheep (wow again. finally getting the hang of all the pseudonymism! :D)

the alarm just sounded. i should probably get back to calc. bleh..

i hate the fact the blogger doesnt have indentations. but in the following, i'll find a way to format this post optimally. and i also don't have a standard font size. i mean, it starts with normal size, but i kinda prefer the small size because it looks neater and legible. some people, however, have expressed disdain over the fact that it strains their eyes, and i too support that notion. alongwith the fact that it makes the text too damn small :P anywho, as always, suggestions(/criticism) are most welcome.

i finally got a kettle for my room. i made tea (and a while later, coffee too) for my sore, aching throat. the windows outside charsikadinamarsi and theyarefightiinngg's room door got foggy. winter's finally here! yay! so i need to get that room heater pronto. and i can't wait for amijee to come this winter too.

for all you photograph enthusiasts who have access to the LUMS Ethernet, i advise you to //rizwan as soon as possible. you will find a candid assortment of imagery that will leave you amazed.





Derek Vinyard: Nigger, you just fucked with the wrong bull. You should've learned your lesson on the fuckin' basketball court. But you fuckin' monkey's never get the message. My father gave me that truck motherfucker! You ever shoot at fireman? You come here and shoot at my family? I'm gonna teach you a real lesson now motherfucker. Put your fuckin' mouth on the curb.
Lawrence: Come on man.
Derek Vinyard: Put it on the curb right now!
Danny Vinyard: Derek, no!
Derek Vinyard: Now say good night.

[Derek stomps Lawrence's head into the curb]




i kept the urls with the character names in the interest of averting plagiarism :P (yes lums is getting to me) its an excerpt from "American History X" (1998).


oh, and ishtar, by the time you've read this, i'll already have seen the person you share a door with ;D and yes, god is indeed a very good comedian. i can hear him laughing at me right now :P

[Dysfunction Timestamp]
Shemrez had writer's block at 9:05 AM
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Sunday, November 20, 2005

My favourite movie is NOT forrest gump. :P

The title just to clear a few misconceptions created within the minds of 'certain' people. And it took me three minutes to think up the term 'clear a few misconceptions'.

akhee da malangaaaa, akhee da malangaa....

so yes, i havent been blogging lately. a friend pointed that out. had to talk to sheen, sms-ed, but i think she's asleep. and i have a lot on my mind.
pakhpakh helps. yes she does. in many many ways. so does uutma. and nusrat :D. more than they know. i feel a lot better than i was a while ago. past two days, major trips and shit. blah.
its amazing how an alternate view can totally change the texture of a substance. was standing next to this small bush today while on my way to the elab. just in front of the khudd, a few yards away from the tree vail climbed, a short shrub tamed by the gardeners of lums. it looked soft enough to lie on with your back against it. a few kittens under the shade; ones gul didnt get his hands on.
a bit to the side, and it had thorns. vicious, threatening thorns. shining, glinting. scary...
so i have no idea what to do. people change, i guess. or sometimes the way you look at them. pakhpakh says give it time. bah.
the reason i dont want to give it time is that i dont want this to fail.
what the hell am i saying? triptriptriptriptriptriptriptrip :P but i dont want this to end like it seems like it will. give it grace, give it time, give it rythm, give it rhyme. i'm going to give it my total sincerity, and see it to its end. then i will make my decisions.

i have sufficient reason and info to believe kitty likes effect. Hah! :D what aey templating i must say.


trip-trip-trip-trip-pop-pop-pop-pop-snort-snort-snort-snort-dope-dope-dope-dope-trip-snort-pop-chugg-dope-pop-dope-snort-trip-snort-chugg-dope-trip-dope. what an amazing "bringing-back-to-senses", one might say. the nusrat and the must. must. musst. musst.
akhee da malanga sach appi mann leinhgay
akhee da malanga sach appi mann leinhgay

.falling for faces is a crime that is its own punishment.

ajj naee te kal saaray alii alii kehn gay
must musst musst musst.dummm must kalandar musst musst.

nearmiss said the song refers to ali being the dervish. a word that makes me miss ishtar quite a lot. and nikki thinks i'm ignorimarofying. and someone wrote coke-e and druggie outside one of the rec-room windows. because a week is too young to let go, and i think i smoke too much.

pakhpakh: it's ur responsibility to make your friends realize ehat they mean to you
me: but is it not my friends responsibility to understand when i wont be able to?

and there you go. i'm sorry if i have a life. i really am. i wish i didn't, i still think i don't. i'm a slave to it, believe me, and i'd have it any other way, but not like this.

and i'm listening to the same song for almost an hour.



got this from a site sheen showed me.

and i'm listening to the same song for almost an hour.

so i'm going to listen to the parabolA playlist shaamu showed me.



and what do you know; it works.








This one, this form I hold now, so wide eyed and hopeful... wide eyed and hopefully wild...

[Dysfunction Timestamp]
Shemrez had writer's block at 12:50 AM
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